Revolution Devolution Evolution... Or just Revolution Again

Here goes, I am going to start with I am not big on politics but I am huge on my country, and as I"ve said before I'll say again, this country belongs as much to me as it does to Kalonzo, Raila, Kenyatta, Ruto and Mudavadi (in no particular order).

I may step on a few toes here but we're all Kenyan's if we can take five years and three months of the tenth parliament heck you can take this blog post too. If you're going to reply kindly do it with some grace. If you have a counter argument kindly state it and no, vulgarities do not put more weight behind your point. Another caveat I am not an Uhuru Kenyatta supporter....

Suppose we were able to share meanings freely without a compulsive urge to impose our view or conform to those of others and without distortion and self-deception. Would this not constitute a real revolution in culture. 

And since I was smack dab in the middle of PEV (post election violence for you non Kenyan readers) I shall state that it was no proper revolution, (I may be wrong on this).  Now since I started with the confession that I am not an Uhuru Kenyatta supporter let me make another confession. I am even less of a Raila Odinga supporter. 

I however firmly believe that: 

Condemnation without investigation serves no one except your incompetence to learn.

Here's my condemnation of our prime minister. The man has been in parliament for 15 years and with nothing to show, was minister for roads when not a single inch of new roads was constructed in Kenya, holds the ownership deed for the Kisumu molases plant yet claims to be against corruption. Says nepotism killed our country and appointed his sister an ambassador...(no I do not know any qualifications that got his sister that job.) Now from this alone I wonder how on earth the man has such a fanatical following? I asked a couple of dear friends why they still troop behind him and I still don't get a solid answer apart from: "Kibaki seemed inert..." That's all well and good but Kibaki's weaknesses are not Raila's strengths.

Now I dont know how Raila got soo many people behind him, what he promised them or what they see (if you see anything I dont see I would like to know, if I accuse him falsely kindly let me know I will gracefully retract).

My biggest bone of contention with Raila Odinga, PEV, because unfortunately in my bones I can feel PEV II is just round the corner. Now how come the biggest beneficiary of PEV is not at the ICC? Wasn't the slogan 'No Raila no Peace?' And he somehow convinced us he was a democrat. He managed to convince people he won fairly but wont tell us what political genius gave him a hundred and twenty percent of the vote in Kisumu town (yes 120%). How then did he win fairly? Let's watch out ladies and gentlemen because:

Those who make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities

And we all saw the atrocities of PEV. Well Odinga was not all alone, it is William Ruto who paraded someone to say that elections were inflated. THe constituencies that were allegedly rigged, Juja, Molo and Nithi. Each of them returned less than 78% total vote count how does that now compare with 120%. He was crying wolf long before the election day and on voting day he said his name was not on the voters register. He trooped back to the KICC to complain to the electoral commission. He read from a prepared speech... How was that speech prepared in the fifteen minutes it took him to drive from Kibera to KICC then issue a press conference and return to Kibera where his name had magically appeared on the register...

If I claim to be fair why I'm I only pointing out Raila's flaws? Because as far as I can see he is well on his way to being president. His co-perpetrator ie the President is not running for office and there's no point flogging dead horses.

The Devolution of The Kenyans

Now work with me Kenyans, because in this country

'if we do not hang together; we shall hang separately'

I recently asked a friend of mine, "Is it entirely coincidence that you're Luo and you like Raila and I am not and I don't like Raila" and she said "I am not entirely sure, mabe we just want to vote in those who are most like us..." Well I must say my friend is a very pleasant girl, she is nothing like Raila in any way stated above. How then did he manage to convince her that she is like him, isn't it our houses that burned for him to get his own entourage and cabinet positions to dish out never mind that they dint give him his mobile toilet and half carpet. Now Kenyans that is is time for elections and yet again we drink of this primordial soup of ethnicity and we emerge less evolved.

We are still devolved and convinced that we're a collection of 42 tribes and not one nation. And now with counties and all we have government boundaries to demarcate tribes. We're just as divided and sensible leaders like Peter Kenneth shall get no vote worth noting... Mine shall be among those ones.

The Revolution of The Kenyans

George Orwel said: "One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes a revolution in order to establish a dictatorship".  And revolutions are famous for evaporating in a blood and euphoria and leaving in the crucible the muck and filth of a new bureaucracy. Now there was a failed coup in 82, former president Moi ensured that there will not be another attempted military coup in the for seeable future.


Yours truly in his auto biography spoke of his role in the 82 coup and in 07 with the help of Ruto and Charity Ngilu tried a civilian coup that earned him half a government. In 02 we had a coup of euphoria. Where we were convinced we had thrown out the Moi regime and all it's ills. Like Fidel Castro says "A revolution is a dictatorship of the oppressed over the oppressors" and with Moi out we thought we had done that... had we really?

And now that we've done devolution and attempted revolutions and discovered that neither work how's about we grow up, how's about we evolve?

The Evolution of The Kenyans

Darwin tried to convince us that evolution was a survival for the fittest race, that stronger species trample weaker species. The story of how the third world works.

But I think that

when an honest man discovers he's been deceived he will either stop to be deceived or stop to be honest

I submit to you that we have been deceived, we have noticed we have been deceived and it's not in our nature to stop being honest.

Evolution is a cooperation not a competition. Species that compete are not sustainable and the most successful species are the ones that cooperate with each other and with their environment. Case in point wildebeests, lions, humans, ants, elephants etc...

I think it's time that we realised none of the fore runners have any of your particular interests at heart, if they do they have done nothing to show it this far, so this time let's walk out of that primordial soup a better people. We have not got any better if we think Musalia Mudavadi will be struck by some form of genius when he becomes president and transform the country, neither shall Uhuru Kenyatta or Raila Odinga or William Ruto or I dare Say Martha Karua... all of them have nothing note worthy from their many years in service. These are men and women who will happily seat in their offices while Kenya burns if it gives them absolute power. People who have grown inefficient in todays society and playing the politics of post colonial Kenya. All I ask if you vote any of them, tame your expectations, we're a resilient people we survived Moi and we'll survive whoever it is who takes over after Kibaki.

A MESSAGE FROM HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Kenyan beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Why Miss Kalashnikov succeeds where other girls fail

Now ladies, this is me taking time out of my lonely insomnia ridden night to throw a little gem of wisdom out there… Nights like tonight when the dark thoughts start to come to me, I think of something that makes me happy.  A girl, a girl many men have thought about, many have died for, many have died by and even more have lived by, she has saved many lives and taken many more. She has carried many men to power and taken many from it.

She has been friend, mother, wife and daughter and lover all wrapped into one {yeah she a freak like that}. She’s not the prettiest of girls out there and neither is she the best at anything in particular but men in their droves are enchanted by her, in fact she is sixty five this year and still blowing minds, quite literary at that :)

This girl is the child of a man on what was supposed  to be his death bed, Sgt. Mikhail Kalashnikov, meet his little baby girl, Miss. Auvtomat Kalashnikova model of 1947 also known as the AK 47 or Kalashnikov.

 Now before you stop reading this because I made it about a rifle, I submit to you, every guy likes rifles. Show me a guy who does not like guns and I’ll tell you to stop pointing at the queer, it’s not polite. We’re in days where we tolerate people regardless of their sexual orientation. You probably like rifles yourself.

Now a little history here, yes just made it a little more boring. The AK 47 was designed by Sergeant Mikhail Kalashnikov while he was injured and on sick leave. On his hospital bed he worked on designs for a rifle he entered into a competition to develop the Soviets’ new standard infantry rifle. Now the weapon was designed to be used in extreme conditions, mud, snow, rain and dust and she delivered.

So why does Miss. Auvtomat Kalashnikova beat every other girl? Why in moments of desperation when a man runs from his wife and his mother does he still run to his AK for comfort? {seriously ask Muamar Gaddafi…} A weapon so legendary, it has become the symbol of, revolution and oppression all at the same time, a symbol of freedom and rebellion, what does she know that the rest of the girls don’t? How can she be in Saddam Hussein’s  palace and at the same time the thirteen year old child soldier in Sierra Leone still cradle her? Be in Yoweri Museveni's presidential Limo and the common bank robber rely on her for life and success?

Compared to the other girls in her class, she was not the prom queen; she is a biker chic, a true ride or die girl. 

The AK is a simple five kilo amalgamation of stamped steel and ply wood, just eight moving parts and no parts for aesthetics, elegant, useful and bloody rugged.  Sgt. Kalashnikov said that he designed the AK so that every time you pulled the trigger it was followed by a bang, never a click (followed by a burst not a jam for you ladies who don’t speak guy). A master piece by any measure, a weapon so simple even a child could use it and they do, often. Mozambique put it on their flag, the Russians on a coin and I am thinking some artist should print shirts with it, it’s that symbol of freedom that will rival Che Guevara and dissident college students should pay premium price to have it.

Everything is built; few things are built well

So how does the AK do it? Stay largely reliable? Always delivering? One secret is that the weapon was made with large tolerances. Every girl can do with this… large tolerances, while you were all taught to set high standards and not to lower them for Prince William on a bad day, The AK wins, she’s ride or die, she does not lower standards, she understands sacrifices, she understands that this is just a rough patch, I got a little sand in there but we’ll get it cleaned after. 

The best solutions are felt, not formulated

Now while large tolerances make the weapon less accurate it keeps a man alive when he needs her to deliver. There’s no point in marrying the prom queen if when things get a little rough she will split, catch my drift? We’re not lowering standards we just understand rough patches, we understands circumstances end soon enough.

Don’t go into life with a template for if he does this I will do this, if this happens I will leave and if Justin Timberlake does not sing I will hang myself. No, the best solutions are felt not formulated. Move into every situation with an open mind and solve the situation uniquely not in relation to he said, they said that she’s a slut…

Now another thing, the AK comes with a dust cover, ladies I’ll explain this one to you. When the weapon is set on safe (meaning not able to fire) the same handle covers the internal mechanisms so that dirt and grime does not get in. Now I always wondered why Sgt. Kalashnikov put this in, the AK is the one weapon that could take any amount of garbage why would you then seek to protect it? There’s another nugget right there. Just because you can take a lot of bile and negativity does not mean you should. If the negativity is not in the course if you getting to your targets, it is unnecessary. By all means avoid it.

Beauty is the ultimate defense against complexity

The Kalashnikov has only eight moving parts, absolute simplicity, absolute beauty, beauty is not complicated and complications are not beautiful {yes, take down that “it’s complicated” relationship status} The AK has learnt that men do not get subtle hints, they do not get loud hints and definitely do not get obvious hints. Be honest, be simple, be direct, don’t be hostile be simple…. Therein lies her mysterious beauty. If you want in, opt in, if you want out, ask out, if you want to change things, ask to change things and if you want to disagree by all means disagree, don’t be mean, don’t be harsh don’t be complicated, be simple, be direct, be honest be beautiful.... 

Finally

What has kept the Kalash to this day, keep firing, never stop, do not break down because some impurity got into your chamber, keep firing, whatever it is you want, that career, that job, that relationship that trip, do not stop, do not stop aiming…. Keep firing just like the AK spit fierce lead, take down your targets….

Limits are not boundaries, they are targets, we find our limits, we achieve our limits and then… We leave them Behind… the story of the AK. She kept firing, came 1974 and the Americans brought a smaller round to the battle field, the AK changed form the hevier gauge 7.62 round to the smaller 5.54mm round (Exit the AK 47 enter the AK 74). Came the fifties and urban warfare came about and the longer weapon was no longer desirable, when tank commanders wanted a smaller weapon they could use in a tank. Exit the wooden butt stock and enter a folding metal stock.

See how she changes to stay relevant? Keep firing, don’t lower standards just change with the times, don’t compromise who you are just loose the things that weigh your down and stop you from getting to your goals :)